This past week has been so hard for me. Everything has been a yoyo. One minute im happy and everything is good and the next minute im beside myself because i want to come home.
I have been calling home for about 2 hours or more everyday and spend about $100 on fone credit this week.
I have been crying and crying so much, and i have been talking to my Dad so much as well and he has helped heaps.
I have been feeling worthlessness and doubt and pain. I have been so angry at myself and i have been emotionally eating when i know i shouldnt be.
On wednesday my boss sent me home early because i was so exhausted then i started crying heaps.
Hes been so helpful and understanding this week, and i feel like im over the mountain and now it seems so small.
I dont know if u know that song but its by Carrie Underwood. It seems like a mountain but once u get over it its but a grain of sand.
On Monday i went to the hot springs with my Boss and it was really beautiful and warm and relaxing.
And Matt told me that my life will be like a candle and it will almost go out and then suddenly it will light back up again from the wind. And thats exactly what is happening and when i remembered what he had told me that brang me peace
I know that things will still be challenging but im getting there slowly.
:)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Things are going well here,
each day is challenging in its own way, and sometimes i feel so much despair and i just push into God and he helps me overcome the pain that i sometimes feel.
Some days i feel lonely, some days i feel like i cant and dont want to get out of bed. Bt i make myself get up and go for a run or clean the house.
Doing things that are productive are helpful, help me realise how thankful i am for what God is doing through me and in me.
God told me he would provide and he did, hes brought me people who would go out of their way to make sure that im okay and provided for. I have some friends. Not close friends but people i can talk to.
People i meet tell me how beautiful i am and how beautiful my smile is. They tell me how sweet I am and that im like an angel coming into their lives. I know its cheesy but its happening. God is using me wherever i go.
I am learning to look after myself so well, manage money, eat properly and exercise because its just me all by myself. And no one can do things here for me (even though they do)
But it helps because i can call my family all the time. The past few days i have been talking to them so much about2-3 hours a day.
And the BEST THING EVER! My dad is back in New Zealand and I want to have a good relationship with him. I am so happy and thank God so much.
I miss him so much though and i know Michaela has an opportunity to get to know him well and i dont just yet. But i love him so much. And im so glad that i get this chance of making things rite. You dont know how happy i am.
My boss is amazing always doing things for me and looking after me as well as Jan.
I miss home so much, and everyday i think about coming home.
But im gonna hang in there until God speaks and wat my next move is.
I miss everyone like crazy, and i dont know if people have forgotten me because it seems like it. I have been contacting people and they havent even replied and it hurts.
Well atleast i know who my real friends are now.
Bye Bye
each day is challenging in its own way, and sometimes i feel so much despair and i just push into God and he helps me overcome the pain that i sometimes feel.
Some days i feel lonely, some days i feel like i cant and dont want to get out of bed. Bt i make myself get up and go for a run or clean the house.
Doing things that are productive are helpful, help me realise how thankful i am for what God is doing through me and in me.
God told me he would provide and he did, hes brought me people who would go out of their way to make sure that im okay and provided for. I have some friends. Not close friends but people i can talk to.
People i meet tell me how beautiful i am and how beautiful my smile is. They tell me how sweet I am and that im like an angel coming into their lives. I know its cheesy but its happening. God is using me wherever i go.
I am learning to look after myself so well, manage money, eat properly and exercise because its just me all by myself. And no one can do things here for me (even though they do)
But it helps because i can call my family all the time. The past few days i have been talking to them so much about2-3 hours a day.
And the BEST THING EVER! My dad is back in New Zealand and I want to have a good relationship with him. I am so happy and thank God so much.
I miss him so much though and i know Michaela has an opportunity to get to know him well and i dont just yet. But i love him so much. And im so glad that i get this chance of making things rite. You dont know how happy i am.
My boss is amazing always doing things for me and looking after me as well as Jan.
I miss home so much, and everyday i think about coming home.
But im gonna hang in there until God speaks and wat my next move is.
I miss everyone like crazy, and i dont know if people have forgotten me because it seems like it. I have been contacting people and they havent even replied and it hurts.
Well atleast i know who my real friends are now.
Bye Bye
Friday, July 16, 2010
Week 3
Things have been good lately, I have been praying heaps, reading my bible heaps and have felt like i have almost been able to touch God.
Its been intense, but I cant say that things have been (easy). Because i have struggled waking up and felt senses of loneliness and pain.
Although i live with the most amazing people and i have made heaps of friends here, I am starting to miss home heaps.
Starting to miss all the friendships i had back home and one that i think i may have wrecked which is hurtful.
I have applied for so many jobs it isnt funny and although things were hard i just had to keep on going. Making the most of every opportunity and making sure that I am trying and trusting that God would provide.
I have talked to so many people, but are finding it difficult to make friends here. I have made too many acquaintances because I talk to everyone wherever I go. But not really anyone i can be honest with and for someone to cry on when things are hard. I have met a nice guy and he has been a good friend but i need some girl support and I just think thats something that i need to pray and ask God about.
Yesterday I was on my last amount of money, I did some work for Jan and she gave me some. So that will get me through until I get paid from this Job.
Im finding things a bit difficult at times, im finding things challenging and dont know how to deal with things. I know the enemy is attacking me and that things are going to be hard for me obviously because of what God is doing in me. But i need to take my eyes off myself and look at the bigger picture. I also sometimes need to be a little easier on myself because I tend to punish myself when things go bad.
But i will go and see a psychotherapist when I get money and really deal with the deep down issues that i have seemed to have chucked to the side.
Things are good though, I am getting there, God is guiding me loving me and looking after me.
I now have a part time job working at a restaurant at nights, now all i need to do is find a day time job.
But I miss all of you so much, and i dont even know if people are still reading this or not.
I cried tonite because i miss home so much. But I know im here for a reason.
Last nite was the first nite i slept in a couple of nites because i have been stressing too much about money.
I admit, I am weak and im finding things are but in my weakness i will find my strength in God.
My hope will be renewed.
Tomorrow is a new day and i know that things will be stronger, i need to pray more, trust more and be more open for relationships with people and let them into my world.
I have been learning so much about God and so much about the bible and I will share it tomorrow.
Be brave, be strong and keep loving.
Because when all else fails love will find a way.
Love you all and miss you xoxo
Its been intense, but I cant say that things have been (easy). Because i have struggled waking up and felt senses of loneliness and pain.
Although i live with the most amazing people and i have made heaps of friends here, I am starting to miss home heaps.
Starting to miss all the friendships i had back home and one that i think i may have wrecked which is hurtful.
I have applied for so many jobs it isnt funny and although things were hard i just had to keep on going. Making the most of every opportunity and making sure that I am trying and trusting that God would provide.
I have talked to so many people, but are finding it difficult to make friends here. I have made too many acquaintances because I talk to everyone wherever I go. But not really anyone i can be honest with and for someone to cry on when things are hard. I have met a nice guy and he has been a good friend but i need some girl support and I just think thats something that i need to pray and ask God about.
Yesterday I was on my last amount of money, I did some work for Jan and she gave me some. So that will get me through until I get paid from this Job.
Im finding things a bit difficult at times, im finding things challenging and dont know how to deal with things. I know the enemy is attacking me and that things are going to be hard for me obviously because of what God is doing in me. But i need to take my eyes off myself and look at the bigger picture. I also sometimes need to be a little easier on myself because I tend to punish myself when things go bad.
But i will go and see a psychotherapist when I get money and really deal with the deep down issues that i have seemed to have chucked to the side.
Things are good though, I am getting there, God is guiding me loving me and looking after me.
I now have a part time job working at a restaurant at nights, now all i need to do is find a day time job.
But I miss all of you so much, and i dont even know if people are still reading this or not.
I cried tonite because i miss home so much. But I know im here for a reason.
Last nite was the first nite i slept in a couple of nites because i have been stressing too much about money.
I admit, I am weak and im finding things are but in my weakness i will find my strength in God.
My hope will be renewed.
Tomorrow is a new day and i know that things will be stronger, i need to pray more, trust more and be more open for relationships with people and let them into my world.
I have been learning so much about God and so much about the bible and I will share it tomorrow.
Be brave, be strong and keep loving.
Because when all else fails love will find a way.
Love you all and miss you xoxo
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tuesday,
Today, I have come to a conclusion that in reality I have not much money at all left.
But God is higher, and he has given me a revelation that I dont need food or money all I need is him.
I have realised that I take food for granted and I take the life I have for granted. And I am in a time now where its all God. I cant take control of anything, I can apply for jobs and pray and pray and pray. But that will be in Gods timing.
My faith has grown so strong over the past 2 weeks. I have experienced so much that some people wouldnt even experience in their whole lifetime.
I have learnt the meaning of trust, and where to put my hope when things are hard and difficult.
The fact that God is higher than anything and everything that does happen, happens for a reason.
I have begun to understand myself and how I react and respond to certain situations. For example I will avoid 'CONFRONTATION' because I dont want to offend someone or get them angry.
Wherever I go I am talking to people and meeting new people. Heaps of people say that I would be a great motivational speaker or pastor. But it all depends on what God has for me.
I still cnt believe how hurt this place is, but i'm happy because I have found my home church and i have made lots of nice friends :)
And also i was shocked at how real they are which is something that is really on my heart.
Last week I went to a connect group, it was amazing. The people there were just incredible, and i was so blessed to have met them.
We all prayed and this girl shared her testimony and it was amazing how much love the group had towards her I just couldnt believe it.
i met this guy called Michael and we talked for a while. He is really nice and is starting up a buisness to help people and he asked me if i want to be involved. I said ' im really interested' Jumping up and down haha like i do...
And then yaaa....
It was awesome, this lovely lady dropped me and Rosel home. And we chatted and stuff.
On Friday I went to this interview at 5am, pretty crazy... But I met this lady and she was lovely, so nice. She said 'Wow.. we get on so well! do u think we met in our past lives??' and im like um.... im not sure..
So i didnt really understand, but i gave her the chance to explain to me what she believes in. She was talking about her angels and her guides. And Energy and other things like that. It was interesting and I prayed and asked God about it and he said stay away. So thats okay, have to follow Gods way not anyone elses way. She opened up to me about her child hood. And man she was so hurt I couldnt even believe it. She was happy and bubbly but the pain and grief i could see in her was really sad. Yet, there was nothing I could do apart from pray for her and be a friend. I couldve judged what she said to me and walked off, but no I didnt. Because God is bigger than any circumstance or situation. And I know that some way or another he will do something from this situation.
But, you see if I did walk away.. why would I?
judging? fearful of what would happen that I wouldnt have control over?
But hold on a second my life isnt mine, and it says in the bible that if you hold on to your life you will loose it but if you let it go you will find me.
So I let it all go and said okay God, i will sit here and listen to this girl but help me. Help me to not judge, understand and love her. She may be different and have another faith, but I can still be her friend and be Gods light and shine ever so brightly. I just need to pray for strength so i can stick up for God bt in a calm and gentle way.
On the way home from church on Sunday night I met this guy on the Bus.. (Have to take every opportunity i can get to show them some of Gods love)
So i talked to him and picked up tht he was a little handicap, and so i chatted and asked him what he does and where he works. And he told me and he really loved talking to me.
Its amazing, because love always finds a way and if you do everything in love then you will be able to communicate with people and touch peoples lives.
The power of love shouldnt be limited. The power of generosity, kindness, peace, patience, and understanding and listening go beyond all measures.
Yesterday I was reading Corinthians and it says in there that we have 1 mouth and 2 ears so we should do twice as much listening as to opposed to talking.
And i just feel that so many people are urging to talk but they dont know how to, are afraid or nobody approaches them. But once you do approach them then they want to share with you their heart, dreams and there past. Most of the time they want to talk to someone who will just listen without saying anything or judging them.
Man im so pumped and God is so good! And im looking forward to miracles I will be writing on here in about a weeks time.
Hope you are all well! missing you so much, and love you all so much!
xxooox
But God is higher, and he has given me a revelation that I dont need food or money all I need is him.
I have realised that I take food for granted and I take the life I have for granted. And I am in a time now where its all God. I cant take control of anything, I can apply for jobs and pray and pray and pray. But that will be in Gods timing.
My faith has grown so strong over the past 2 weeks. I have experienced so much that some people wouldnt even experience in their whole lifetime.
I have learnt the meaning of trust, and where to put my hope when things are hard and difficult.
The fact that God is higher than anything and everything that does happen, happens for a reason.
I have begun to understand myself and how I react and respond to certain situations. For example I will avoid 'CONFRONTATION' because I dont want to offend someone or get them angry.
Wherever I go I am talking to people and meeting new people. Heaps of people say that I would be a great motivational speaker or pastor. But it all depends on what God has for me.
I still cnt believe how hurt this place is, but i'm happy because I have found my home church and i have made lots of nice friends :)
And also i was shocked at how real they are which is something that is really on my heart.
Last week I went to a connect group, it was amazing. The people there were just incredible, and i was so blessed to have met them.
We all prayed and this girl shared her testimony and it was amazing how much love the group had towards her I just couldnt believe it.
i met this guy called Michael and we talked for a while. He is really nice and is starting up a buisness to help people and he asked me if i want to be involved. I said ' im really interested' Jumping up and down haha like i do...
And then yaaa....
It was awesome, this lovely lady dropped me and Rosel home. And we chatted and stuff.
On Friday I went to this interview at 5am, pretty crazy... But I met this lady and she was lovely, so nice. She said 'Wow.. we get on so well! do u think we met in our past lives??' and im like um.... im not sure..
So i didnt really understand, but i gave her the chance to explain to me what she believes in. She was talking about her angels and her guides. And Energy and other things like that. It was interesting and I prayed and asked God about it and he said stay away. So thats okay, have to follow Gods way not anyone elses way. She opened up to me about her child hood. And man she was so hurt I couldnt even believe it. She was happy and bubbly but the pain and grief i could see in her was really sad. Yet, there was nothing I could do apart from pray for her and be a friend. I couldve judged what she said to me and walked off, but no I didnt. Because God is bigger than any circumstance or situation. And I know that some way or another he will do something from this situation.
But, you see if I did walk away.. why would I?
judging? fearful of what would happen that I wouldnt have control over?
But hold on a second my life isnt mine, and it says in the bible that if you hold on to your life you will loose it but if you let it go you will find me.
So I let it all go and said okay God, i will sit here and listen to this girl but help me. Help me to not judge, understand and love her. She may be different and have another faith, but I can still be her friend and be Gods light and shine ever so brightly. I just need to pray for strength so i can stick up for God bt in a calm and gentle way.
On the way home from church on Sunday night I met this guy on the Bus.. (Have to take every opportunity i can get to show them some of Gods love)
So i talked to him and picked up tht he was a little handicap, and so i chatted and asked him what he does and where he works. And he told me and he really loved talking to me.
Its amazing, because love always finds a way and if you do everything in love then you will be able to communicate with people and touch peoples lives.
The power of love shouldnt be limited. The power of generosity, kindness, peace, patience, and understanding and listening go beyond all measures.
Yesterday I was reading Corinthians and it says in there that we have 1 mouth and 2 ears so we should do twice as much listening as to opposed to talking.
And i just feel that so many people are urging to talk but they dont know how to, are afraid or nobody approaches them. But once you do approach them then they want to share with you their heart, dreams and there past. Most of the time they want to talk to someone who will just listen without saying anything or judging them.
Man im so pumped and God is so good! And im looking forward to miracles I will be writing on here in about a weeks time.
Hope you are all well! missing you so much, and love you all so much!
xxooox
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